but the thing is,

im not moving at all.

i hate myself for being so broken down

i hate to look at that pathetic loser in the mirror

i feel like killing myself

i really do.

its simple.

all i have to do, is to take a step and let the high speed traffic wash all my pain away.

then it will all end.

yea.

yea right. i can never do it thou.

im just a loser who cant accept a rejection.

thats pathetic keave, thats pathetic.

i texted her. and she replied.

she was surprised. she thought that i aint gonna contact her anymore. to be honest i was surprised as well.

i thought i can keep this goin. but all the misses just overwhelmed me.

i dont care who she sees me as.

i’ll be by her side,

even if im just a friend.

Keave’s just a pathetic human.

ive been isolating myself these days. not that i dont have any close friends to share the pain with. i know ive chris, logan and the dearest gang.

but i prefer to bear this by myself instead.

i dont want them to see the weak, broken me.

sorry for the unreplied texts and calls. gimme some time to heal first my friends. im not gonna blog all this at blogger too. i would prefer to say all the pain out where no one really knows me in this cyberspace.

im sorry guys.

jasmine jasmine jasmine…

drowning in beer

heavy eye bags

tired body and soul

broken heart

haven been pushing myself to work, pushing myself at work just to numb myself and stop myself from thinking and missing.

but still i’ll keep stealing glances at the silent phone, hoping that the next incoming text would be from her.

yea crazy aint i?

im trying to fix this wreck. trying as hard as i can.

while i hide all e bruises, i’ll hide all e damage thats done.

oh god.

i miss you.

i think i got the courage to say it.

i didnt know this could be so hurting.

to know that all along, im just a friend to you.

i understand. i really do.

goodbye baby.

i love you. i loved you.

with my bleeding heart which would take some time to heal.

i see the rays of the sun shining once again.

fought the dark night,

with beer as my accomplice.

i miss your hugs  i miss your kisses.

i miss your everything.

im breaking down. soon.

i tried to look up high,

but the tears keep coming down.

someone save me please.

no.

you, jasmine, save me please.

while i was being a pathetic loser yesterday, there you are, out watching a movie with him.

no im not angry or mad. im just sad, heartbroken, devastated.

for the first time in my 22 years, i felt helpless. i felt like my world crashed. i felt like an complete idiot. i felt like dying.

yet here i am, desperately wanting you back no matter what. just come back to me baby. please.

im just a broken hearted man.

who cant say goodbye.

i fell for you. really hard.

u came as a surprise. a nice surprise in my life.

u were noisy, only in texts and msn.

u were quiet, damn quiet, in face to face meetups.

ure so cute, just like a small little girl.

ure just like me. but the only difference is i tried to talk to you.

i was attracted by your silence.

the more u keep to yourself, the more i wanna know about you.

jasmine, i gave you my heart and love. i really did. but u tore it all apart, unintentionally.

i was really excited on all our small meetups.

me, would even pack my meals and go over to your place to eat, just to see you.

me, would grab some chocs and milk and go over to your place, just to pass them to you, just to see you.

me, would go down to yishun, just to buy the really nice XO fish beehoon and cab down to your place because uve no food at your place, just to pass you your lunch, just to see you.

i cant believe i did all that. ive never believed in Love. but all that i felt for you, were so true.

there’re times, when i really dont know how to react. there’re times, when i really crashed.

on one of my particular off day, when we were supposed to be out for our first date, u went missing for one whole day, no replies no callbacks. u got me worried, really worried. when u finally texted me, all you can say that you’re okay, you’re fine. you refused to lemme know the real reason, but deep in my heart, i know,  its because of that guy.

still i chose to wait, for the slightest chance that u would pick me up. our meetups, movies, and ikea trip. all the ‘i miss you’ and loving texts thats locked in my phone. all the holding of hands, walking side by side. all the hugs and kisses. all the chilling at my place and your place. all the things i said to you and all your one word replies.

u said u aint ready, i gave you all the time u need.

things were goin on well for us, well, at least i thought so. then u dropped the bomb on me. u went out w him, with your group of friends. i thought i should be mature enough to ignore that. i trust myself and you that nothing will happen.

but seems like u got back all your feelings and love for him again.

i asked if youve me in your heart, i said dont lie to me and tell me how you feel.

all you replied

‘okay i dont like you.’

gosh and i thought i forgot how to cry.

just another random soul in this world.

and im here to rant about my life.

so welcome to my world.